Updating..

Hey everyone,

Well, I know it's been a while since I last wrote that hurried entry on Friday that my grandma was diagnosed with colon cancer. I'm glad to say, that throughout this entire procedure and these very difficult days in which I lost a lot of faith and have been devastated, she has made it out of surgery perfectly well, although in some pain (which is to be expected), and is on her way to a full recovery! The surgeon says he thinks that the tumor had been growing for at least 5 years, and had we waited another week to operate, her intestines would've ruptured from the pressure that they had. So I'm definitely glad we decided to move quickly and operate as soon as possible... now to just wait on the biopsy results to see if she will need chemotherapy or not (hopefully not).

It's been difficult, to say the least... I'm at the hospital every day, taking care of her, knowing that my radiation treatment is just 2 days away (well, 1 really because we're about to end Tuesday...) and an anatomy exam next week, and the boyfriend who isn't here... oh, the boyfriend. What a difficult time i've been having with my parents.

Ok, so here's the deal.

I defend said boyfriend until the very last ounce of me. He left on a spring break trip that I did not agree with, yet let him go, and my family is EXTREMELY upset that not only did he leave when things were getting bad with my grandma AND my procedure was going to be that week, but also because he left me high and dry during spring break to go be with his friends rather than spending it with me. I gave the excuse that he paid all that money and shouldn't lose any of it, and I know my parents don't buy it, but at least it gets them off my back.

As for me....

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, and I don't know if I'm thinking right, but I no longer feel like I am a priority for him. I feel like I am fighting for his time, and although we talked about this before he left and he agreed to give me more time, it upsets me that I should even have to be ASKING for more time. This has been weighing on my mind so much and is probably the reason I'm not getting any sleep, and i intend to talk to him about it today, but it's just so difficult because I don't want him to pull away as a friend, especially when I need him so much right now.

But see, he knows he left me at a very difficult moment, and yet he finds time to go on facebook first before he calls me. I texted him that I needed to speak to him and got no answer. I then saw him on facebook, texted him again, and he answered.... why could he not have answered the first time? Why is it that I have to ask him to call me when the first thing he does every morning should be to call me when he knows I'm at such a desperate time? When he knows that I'm fragile and need all the support I can get? Why is it that he has to fight with me on every little thing when I tell him I don't need to be fighting right now?

I feel depressed. I feel like I don't see a future with him anymore. I'm working so hard at the present that I don't want to focus on the future, but if I even glance up to it, I don't feel like it's there. It's like I have to ask him to work at this relationship. I want him to make an effort like he used to, to come and see me despite the fact that he's dead tired. But he tells me he's too tired to see me, yet goes to the gym.. I mean??? Maybe come and see me instead of going to the gym??? Or how about the fact that he won't give up one weekend for me, to hang out with me, when I only see him once a week? That he values his friends over me?

I personally have come to the realization that you need to have a balance in your life, and your priorities set straight. When I met him, he was such a humble person, always spending time with his family and going out with his family, trying to focus on school and on work, and spending as much time as possible with me. I feel like now his priorities have become work and his friends.... school, yeah right. He skipped out this entire week, ANOTHER reason why I'm upset he left for spring break for such a long time... explain to me the need to leave for over a week? why not leave for 4-5 days, so you can go to school, study, not miss out on class, NOT FAIL THE SEMESTER, and then go on your trip with your friends? Why such a need for a long time?

And why such a need to go out every friday night to drink with your guys? AND THEY'RE ALL SINGLE. It used to be a huge group of friends that he had, and then some of the guys got girlfriends and dissapeared. GRANTED. I don't agree that just because you have a significant other you should dissapear from everyone's life. But you tend to spend more time with them, getting to know the person if you want to be serious, and hanging out with them along with your friends because you want to spend time with them.

He tells me that when we get married we'll have enough time for eachother, but I don't want marriage if it's going to be at such an extreme. He hates extremes. He's always telling me to not get attatched to one thing and keep to it and nothing else, yet he's doing the same thing right here by being with his friends 24/7 and not remembering his family, his girlfriend, and his studies. I know that eventually, it's going to hit him hard, and I don't want that to happen to him. I love him very much.... despite everything I'm feeling (yes, including the need to break up), I love him with all my heart and soul, but maybe he needs to learn his lesson the hard way... Maybe I need to stop protecting him and let the hurricane fly him away... because I just can't anymore.

Sometimes I feel it's the urge to be single, to just go out and party without the need to be telling the girlfriend where he's at 24/7. But to be honest, I don't want to be that girlfriend anymore. I think I deserve more than that. i think I deserve the time of day to be texted goodmorning and to have a goodnight call every night without having to ask for it. I think I deserve a whole weekend once a month without interruption to go out, explore, go to parties together, see new things together, and get to enjoy eachother's company and get to know eachother more. I think I deserve that time after work and school that he devotes to the gym, maybe not every night, but a couple nights, where he comes and tells me about his day while I make him a sandwich in the kitchen and he plays PS3 or watches George Lopez. I think that I deserve to be included in the majority of his plans from now on, and that his friends should be at balance with me, not above, just because we're not married. I don't want to be one of those couples that when they get married, they dissapear from the world and nobody knows about them unless they're having a baby or a financial crisis. That's what leads to divorce, that whole isolation of a marriage. I want to continue my relationship the way it is now and NOT WORRY about marriage, or the future, or babies. I want to enjoy him NOW, when we're both young and able to do a whole bunch of things, like run a marathon together and experience what it's like to cross the finish line together. I want to do things together. I don't want to be called a girlfriend, yet never seen, barely spoken to during the day, and placed at the bottom of the food chain.

I want the man I was dating back. I want the one that used to spend weekdays at home, having dinner with his family. I want the man back that used to take me to the corner to feed the ducks even for 5 minutes just so he could see my face illuminate in the sunset. I want the man that used to take me to the mall, even though we'd been there 20 million times, to walk it together again once more. I want the man that would take me dancing and teach me, a 2 left feet person, to dance bachata and merengue. I want the man who never finished teaching me how to drive stick shift. I want the man that used to lay in bed with me and just cuddle, contentedly, until we fell asleep. I want the man that would call me, even when he was busy and on a trip, while he was driving from one place to another, to see how my day was going and to tell me how beautiful I was and that he loved me.

I miss that man.

I hope that man is still in there.

And I hope that man comes back very soon.

Because this woman, this woman has changed. This woman changed for this man for the better, and changed for herself for the better, and changed for God for the better. This woman is leading a better life with no complaints, with appreciation, with patience, and with hope for the future but a focus on the present: everything that the man she had wanted but did not receive. And now with this woman possess all these things, that man doesn't see them. And this woman misses that man.

:(

I think I'm just depressed and in need of love, and in need of him to come back down, but unfortunately his spring break trip won't be over until Sunday, still many days away and after my procedure is done, and after many hours of tormenting myself, trying to take care of all of my family members....

:(

:(

I just need him.