Stressed

Hey everyone,

So I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday because of a very crazy day. I guess I'll start from the beginning and work my way up to this morning (which I really wish I could've slept more, but I guess 11 hours is enough for my body! Lol).

I went to visit my neurosurgeon yesterday for the first time, and he explained to me all of the symptoms, blood work and MRI's joined together: I have the beginning stages of Cushing's disease. What's funny about my case is that I don't have any of the physical symptoms, but instead have all of the chemical symptoms (high cortisol and ACTH levels). My physical symptoms are nowhere near those problems, except for perhaps occasional low blood sugar, but my low blood pressure is the exact opposite of what I should be having (high BP). So he said that this is more than likely, about 99 percent positive, caused by the tumor I have sitting in front of my pituitary gland, and that Gamma Knife Radiation is the best way to go. I asked about Cyber Knife so I wouldn't need crap bolted into my head, but he says that he's done over 60,000 of these procedures, and gamma would be better for me since I'm not a cancer patient, which is what cyber knife is more tailored to.

I feel positive that he will do his best job and snip this in the bud before it gets worse. They'll be watching my hormone levels over the coming months to make sure they are decreasing, as well as a follow up MRI to see if they zapped the little sucker away enough. To say the least, I couldn't show any emotion while my mom was there as the doctor put me in the high priority list and went ahead and scheduled the surgery for me on the 18th, just 2 weeks from now. I was scared by how fast he wanted to do this, but I guess it's important, so I went ahead and signed all the papers, registered with the hospital, and am ready to go. I think the only good thing about this surgery is that I'll be consciously sedated, so nothing will hurt, even when they give me the local anesthetic on my head for the bolts they'll screw in. AND he told me he'll make the incision behind my hairline so I would have any visible scars. Although I'm still nervous about the long term effects (even though he says they're none), he just told me I'll be on steroids for 2-3 days after the procedure to control brain swelling and then I'll be on my merry way!! He promised me I can go to the beach the saturday after the procedure if I wear lots of sunblock and feel good, so I'm hoping for the best.

The only bummer about this whole situation is that my boyfriend will not be here... He planned a spring break trip with his guy friends a while back and already paid it, and I don't expect him to cancel last minute when I'm not going through anything life-threatening like chemo or just got told I have cancer. But at the same time, I wish he would be here. I've called tons of friends to surround myself with the day after the procedure and to keep me busy until that beach saturday rolls around the corner. I'm just hoping everything goes great and that I recover super quickly and can be back at school on monday! :)

Anywho, I told my boyfriend about all of this, of which I had wanted to talk to him since the night before and couldn't get a hold of him. Since I'd had these emotions bottled up inside, I cried to him basically on the phone and was looking for support, and he was very quiet. I don't know if it's because he didn't know how to answer, or what, but it made me upset and I asked if he was okay, and he just burst out in anger about everything and said to stop being negative and all of this stuff.

Now pardon me, but I have every right to feel the way I'm feeling. I can cry as much as I want to, laugh as much as I want to... he's not going through what I'm going through, however minimally invasive this procedure is. I've never had surgery, never been sedated... these are all new, and very scary things for me. I may want to be a nurse and I have no problem watching someone else get cut into, radiated and sedated, but when it comes to myself, it's natural to get anxious. So to say the least, I was very upset when I hung up with him last night and I'm pretty sure he knows I was upset. He called me later at night while I was out with my girlfriends, but I wasn't very responsive and just wasn't up to talking to him. He also texted me that he was home (which he never does on his guys nights) later around 3 in the morning, but I didn't hear my phone and didn't see it until this morning...

I don't know. I feel so stressed about everything: school, work, working out, this procedure... it's like, I don't need another stressor in my life. I'm not asking him to come down from his vacation, I'm asking him to support me.... tell me everything's going to be ok... take me out and make me forget... make jokes about how I'll look like I'm in a Saw contraption... I don't know, these are all things that my friends did that made me forget, and instead he took it to the next level 'cause I vented to him and I just didn't appreciate it at all. I felt very unsupported and just... it wasn't fair.

So, this morning, I don't know what's going to happen for the rest of the day. I'm sure we'll talk, but I don't know how I feel about hanging out with him. And it sucks because he's leaving on Friday and I'm leaving Saturday and we won't see eachother for more than a week, so I want to spend as much time with him as possible, but I also don't want to be told to stop being upset about everything when I have every right to feel the way I do. Of course my mood will get better (I didn't spend me day moping around), but he's the person who I can really be myself around and let go of all my emotions... maybe I need to find someone else who can hold all my emotions... we'll see I guess.

Namaste.