Hey everyone,
So today has been a productive day so far. Last night I didn't get to sleep with my steroids, but managed to complete 1000 word essay, a chemistry pre-lab, and finished my notes to study for my anatomy exam on tuesday. At least insomnia works for something, right? I also cleaned out my closet and got rid of clothes, shoes, bags... a whole mess of things that I just didn't need that I'm sure somebody else in a more needy situation will be able to use. It feels nice to have a clean closet, and I'm oddly not jumping at the fact to get to the mall to buy new clothes either... I think I'm content with where I'm at right now, so... yep :)
On other news, apparently my boyfriend woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I texted him because I saw him on facebook and all that and he hadn't texted/called me that he'd gotten home, so I said "well looks like someone's back in town" and he took it as sarcastic and rude when I meant it playfully. I'm so tired of being taken for someone I'm not. He made it into a huge deal, I decided to be a bigger person and just say "ok baby, let's drop it" and he took it even further and now says that he's upset and doesn't want to talk to me until later. WTF?! I didn't do anything wrong, I was just texting to see if he was home or not and when I was going to get to see him. Seriously, I HATE that he keeps associating me with the person I was before.
Before I met God, I was very... anxious and clingy, to say the least. I was always giving double meaning to my words, always on the prowl for any kind of deceit... this if course, coming from a long history of family problems. But since then, I've changed. i've become such a patient, caring person, and I always try to look at someone else's side before I look at my own... try to acknowledge what the other person is feeling before I look at my own feelings... and yet, somehow, it ALWAYS seems to backfire on me with him. I don't know what to do anymore... I can't do anything more than what I've been doing. He needs to realize that i'm not the same person anymore, and I've been proving it tme and time again, and he's just so stuck in the past that he can't see me for who i am. This is exactly why I said we need to hang out more, that he needs to get to know me again and throw away the old image... I wanted this relationship to stay alive and I wanted to better myself, so I took a month to step back, look at myself, and do everything I needed to do to become a better person. That's half of the work right there.
The other half is allowing that person a chance to see them for who they are now.
And he just doesn't budge on this.
Some days he calls me all happy and texts me constantly and misses me... then there are other days where he's just cranky up the walls and... UGHUHGUHUGHUHGUHGHUHDOFUHGO;RHTO;EIRHGDOFHKGLDKHF;OIHETOIH.
Oh my goodness, that's how I feel. I don't know how much longer I can go on giving him the benefit of the doubt and waiting for him to stop looking in the past and instead to the present before I burst. Because I do have feelings as well. I have feelings that need to be acknowledged. I have feelings that are there, and that they need to be understood, nurtured... I need to be nurtured as a girlfriend, as a friend... I swear, I'll be so upset if he doesn't come see me today. He's been gone over a week while I had my radiation and my grandmother had her surgery and all I know is that he better come see me today.
He better.
-.-
WHY MUST LIFE BE SO COMPLICATED.
No comments:
Post a Comment