Hello from Starbucks!!

I'm so glad my store got new furniture. I can sit outside and enjoy the wonderful weather while I study... :) And since it's daylight savings time, the sun won't be going down until about 6pm, which gives me 2 more hours to study and do everything I want to go. Hooray!!

The fair yesterday was great!! I wont lie, my hip was giving me problems half the time, but it was fun. I ate like a pig, but shh! Don't tell anyone. That's about all we did actually... walk around and eat. I think we rode maybe 3 rides, of which the Ferris wheel was included (as always) and watched some kind of show there which was okay... nothing too spectacular.

I just finished taking my anatomy exam not too long ago... I think I did great!! It feels nice to be confident after learning about I don't know how many muscles... we'll see what the grades are. My lecture exam is next tuesday, and my forensics is tomorrow, of which I'm going to study for as soon as I finish this blog. I went ahead and treated myself to a manicure though... not only did I desperately need it, I think I deserved it :) So go me! I'll have to take off the nail polish by tomorrow night because I work Friday, but oh well. At least I get to enjoy it for a day.

Anyway, let me get going. I need to get these things done so that I can be worry free next weekend.... BOSTON, I'M ALMOST THERE!!!

:)

I hate how I have bad luck.

It never seems to leave me alone.

I think this year is just horrible... I mean, I'm making a huge deal out of something that will fix itself in a couple of days, but goddamn it makes me mad that it happens at such an opportune moment.

My lovely hip dysplasia, or so it seems, has come back to haunt me from my ballet days. Apparently wearing my heels to school today and walking a very long distance in them made it come back (stupid me, I should've thought about this) and now I can't take a step without being in pain and my hip making a "popping" noise. I know people are going to be looking at me funny when I go to the fair now with my boyfriend, old boss and her kids, but whatever. I'll limp my way around the fair grounds if I have to. At least I'll get to eat while looking like a hunchback, lol.

It's nice to be able to lie down in bed for a bit though... I've got about an hour before my boyfriend picks me up and I'm contemplating going to sleep for a little bit. I'm so dead tired :( All I want to do is curl up after a good meal with some warm blankets and forget about the world for a good 24 hours, but finals are beating down on my back with their words and reviews, and work is waking me up at obnoxious hours to go serve people damn coffee... and my family is demanding responsibilities in the little time I come home in between school and work... I feel horribly overwhelmed. I laugh it off and don't show it to anyone, but man am I stressed. :( I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to Boston and getting away for the weekend with absolutely NO worries except what the hell I'm going to eat and what I'm going to visit that day.

My anatomy review book is taunting me right now... staring at me from the side of the bed and saying "if you don't open me, you're going to fail your exam tomorrow...." but I spent such a long ass time studying yesterday... I couldn't even walk today without being aware of what muscles are working in order for me to put one foot in front of the other!! And when my hip started hurting, I gave an entire explanation about what was probably causing my pain to my best friend over text... how sad is that? I mean, good to review, but I'd hate to be my best friend really... have to hear all that crap 24/7 for the next 3 weeks while i review for my exams...

Oh!

And let's not even go into my forensics exam on thursday that I have to create a review for!! Marijuana, hallucinogens, anthrax, explosives... I have such an array of subjects that I study, no wonder I always have random facts. I wonder if people think I'm crazy sometimes when I start talking about biological attacks on the U.S. when my major is Nursing....

Ah well, I guess I'm going to go visit Youtube and entertain myself for the next half hour... probably just for 10 minutes actually. The anatomy review book is still taunting me... no, i'm not crazy, just severely stressed :(

Don't judge me.

I'll be back to normal in 3 weeks.

I promise...

Maybe.

Einstein

This man was a genius with his bagel, egg and cheese and coffee.

So much more so than Starbucks I have to say.

As usual, I'm sitting here in the atrium of my school, already finished my breakfast and contemplating another... what is it with me and hunger lately?? I don't think I'll be getting up to get another because, well, I'm broke for one (and going to the fair tonight, I don't know how I'm going to manage that), and on the other hand, I need to stop eating so much!!! Breakfast has become like a binging streak for me... maybe it's that I got so used to taking my steroids in the morning with a large breakfast to avoid an upset stomach that my body has already adjusted... I've grown to love breakfast actually...

On other news, I managed to sleep last night! Hooray!! I thought I was going to have the most difficult time going to sleep after reading all those muscles and memorizing their locations but nope!! i got a lovely call from my boyfriend to say goodnight and I love you, and I think that sent me right off into lala land... nice ending to a tough day, and an even tougher day today. I realized a bit late last night that my day is going to keep going for a while, and I need to be up at 5 to work at 5:30am to 11a, go home, shower, study some more and my exam is at 2pm... it's going to be hell, but I know I can get through it.

And I will NOT get anything lower than an A this time!!

I feel stupid for having done horribly on my first exam... it sucks. But I guess that's life, that's my lesson, and that's my kick in the butt telling me that I need to get my shit together. I've only got 3 weeks left until the end of the semester and the beginning of the rest of my life... sort of. I've got a summer break and then a year and a half from hell in Nursing school to go, and then I will be free!! Maybe married by then, and thinking about a baby... yay! The future makes me so excited... but for now, i've got the present to focus on.

Speaking of which, I should get my lazy hands off this keyboard and onto my chemistry textbook. I didn't have time to review my notes last night since I was so intently studying anatomy, and I need to catch up on that class so I don't fall behind.

Blog you laterrrr. I'll try to take pictures at the fair :)

Namaste.

P.S. - I miss yoga!

Rectus Femoris, Sartorius, Semimembraneous...

I have a gazillion muscles running through my mind right now!!

Gracilis, brachioradialis, latissimus dorsi, trapezius, deltoid, scapular spine, deltoid tuberosity...

Good gracious, my mind is just swimming with anatomical landmarks.

Aortic semilunar valve, pulmonary trunk, left atrium and ventricle, interventricular septum, tricuspid valve, apex and base of the left lung which contains the lingula not found in the right lung which includes a middle lobe in addition to its superior and inferior lobe...

I think I'm going to go crazy.

Just had to blog my insanity before I went to bed and got up to go to anatomy class in less than 8 hours.

FML.

Excited!!

Once again, it is Monday!!

But this weekend has been so wonderful... I spent a lovely time with my boyfriend the majority of the weekend, got some things done, spent some time with my family as well and are looking to get a dog (probably a puppy) soon, hopefully for my dad's birthday on Sunday. I attached a picture of the puppy we saw, which I think would be perfect for my dad (although the dog might get a little bigger than expected, but I'm sure my dad won't mind). I really want to get a Mastiff or a Saint Bernard, even if they're not purebred, but I know I'll get way too attatched to the dog, and then when I leave my house and my parents take him I'll be upset, so it's better if I think in the long run and that this dog will be for my dad more than anything.

In other news, I don't want to jinx myself or spoil myself, but I am SO VERY EXCITED about something. :) :) :) I can't exactly say what it is, I believe that if you talk too much about a good thing it'll go away, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut about it, but I'm very very VERY excited about the future. I think I'm looking at a positive for once this year... everything has been really tough, but I'm starting to see a shining ray of sunlight at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully it's paradise and not an oncoming train, LOL.

Well, just wanted to update really quick. I've got to head to school in this atrocious tornado weather so I suppose I'll be writing to you tomorrow morning, from my bagel egg and cheese with coffee seminar in the school's cafeteria... the usual, you know? Lol. Exams this week, so I've got to hop to it and study (hooray... sarcasm).

Namaste!!

Belief

Hello everyone!

Well, mostly to myself... I've come to realize not many follow this blog (1 person, lol!) and I'm not sure they even read it, so this is more of a time to talk to myself more than anything I think.

I don't remember the last time I updated, but plenty happened. I'm going to give a rough overview....

1. I woke up for work Friday morning and heard my dog crying in lots of pain. My dad told me that they took him the night before to the hospital while I was asleep and found a huge tumor in his liver and spleen, and that we would have to put him down.

2. Spend the day from hell, crying and snapping at customers (because I still had to go to work) while my parents went to get a second opinion for the dog.

3. Got home and met my uncle for the first time ever in my life (he decided to come back when he heard about my grandmother's surgery), had a bunch of people in the house, and then went to go see my dog... said that we should keep him until he stops eating, and just give him pain meds... he might still have a couple of months. I was distraught and didn't want to put him through any more pain and just put him to sleep right away, but my mom insisted to wait, so we brought him home.

4. My dog did a 360 and is now eating and playing with his pain meds, so thank God... I know that we have to let him go eventually, and probably soon (the tumor is halfway through his liver and unremovable) but at least we get to spend some more time with him.

My dad has been the most devastated of all. He's been crying, because as you know, a dog is a man's best friend, and especially Dale (that's my dogs name). So... yep. It's been a horribly tough month, seriously, lol. I don't know how we all have tumors... I was just talking to my mom about this a while ago and wondering why it is that across species we've developed tumors while living in the same house, but... I don't know. I think I'm going to investigate it and see what's going on. If it's this house, then we need to move.. this isn't the first dog of ours that develops a tumor, plus me and my grandmother? Kind of odd already...

My mom just called me to go to the pound and see about another dog... oh boy. We'll see how this goes... the problem is that my grandmother is always home alone, and she's never been without another dog, another companion in the house... when Dale decides to go, she'll be alone and that's not what we want for her... she needs somebody here with her, and unfortunately, my life is already moving at the speed of light so I can't stay home to spend it with her... I guess I'll take pictures and see what happens.

On other news, I finally got to go to the beach yesterday... in fact, let me just start by saying that my boyfriend has been SO incredible with me this past week... we spent such a lovely weekend together (albeit not 24/7, but plenty more time than we usually do). He's made such a huge effort... Friday he came over when he found out about the dog, then went out to dinner with his parents (a feat I'm so very proud and happy for him because he needed that time with his parents again), and then later on at night texted me to see how I was doing (I had gone to the movies with an old coworker of ours) and invited me over... spent some time in bed with him, fell asleep, woke up to the most amazing kiss.... and the next morning got a goodmorning text message, then a call to go to the beach with some of his friends, and spent the rest of the day like that with him till we spent some alone time at night and he brought me back home, and voila, here I am today!!

I know that he's extremely tired, but I appreciate everything and all the effort he's done for me this past week, including all the test messages and calls and conversations and time together... my heart hasn't fluttered like this in a while, and it is DEFINITELY fluttering right now... I want to do something for him to show him my appreciation at his efforts, but I don't know what to do right now (my mind is racing with finals for school and we're already heading on the Boston trip in 2 weeks), so... we'll see. I'll come up with something though, he's been way too much of a sweetheart for me to let this pass me by. I made sure I thanked him last night for everything, but he was half asleep while driving so I don't think he got the full measure of my thankfulness, lol.

Anywho, let me get going. My mom wants to go to the pound and it closes at 4, and it's already 12pm and I need to shower and still have some homework and other things to get done.

I'll blog tomorrow more than likely... another week commences for me!!

Namaste.

HOORAY!!!

I just had to post a lovely blog about my acceptance to the accelerated BSN program for Nursing at Barry University!!

I'm still holding out for FIU (because that's my number one school), but at least I have a back up planned, complete with an 8000 dollar scholarship from them and help from Florida Bright Future's!! GO ME!!!

Okay, carry on :)

Love

Hey everyone,

Well, it's 8am right now... once again, my alarm didn't go off this morning, and this time I didn't wake up on time to notice that it hadn't gone off... my mom called me when my anatomy class had already started. I was late, lol. i know, I know. It's time to get a new alarm, or download a new application on my phone... I'm still trying to figure out why it goes off sometimes but other times not... it frustrates me!! But at least I didn't miss much in lecture and was able to catch up in no time when I got to class.

Oh yeah, and I forgot my chemistry things at home, so I gotta go and get that now. -.- Joy joy, lol.

In other news, I managed to get a lot done yesterday and was sooooo happy to finally spend some time with my boyfriend. We talked for a good half an hour, a talk that I felt we had skimmed over way too many times but hadn't gotten do to it.. mostly my fault because I felt he wouldn't receive my comments well. But last night was perfect timing and we did everything, and I got to see him get back on understanding terms with his mom... it warmed my heart so much. I was hoping to reconnect him with his family... I told him that I felt his priorities had changed and not only was I upset about him not spending time with me, but not spending time with his own family and with school...

Needless to say, after we had that talk, we got into bed for a bit, looked at other possible trips for the summer with his family and then played around for a bit. How much I MISSED playing around in his bed... although it would've been fun to play PS3 and fall asleep with him, just cuddled in his huge arms for the entire night, but we both have lives and aren't married, lol, so we had to move on. I'm just thankful that I got to spend time with him after such a long period being apart and basically feeling like the relationship was dissapearing.

:) :) :)

Hooray for love!!!!

Familial, relationship... any kind of love. Gotta love love.

:)

Any who, I should probably get going... I've got to take my stupid pill (3 days left now!) and eat, and then get started on reading my anatomy chapter before going to Forensics class, which I feel is gonna be a waste of my life, but whatever, lol.

Namaste!!!

That reminds me, I need to go work out... lol.

<3

Big Girl Pill

Well, I called my neurosurgeon after a bout of horrible stomach pains at work this morning (thank you, dinner last night) and got the news that I would have to cut my tablets in half and thus double the amount of time left on the steroids, or take 2 antacids with each pill and hope that my symptoms will go away.

Needless to say, I don't want to double my time, so hello big girl pill... time to suck up the symptoms and keep going with life.

Ah, but isn't that how most things are? Have you noticed that whenever things get tough, just about EVERYTHING in your life gets tough? And you feel as if you can't go on anymore, you've reached a dead end, and just as you're falling on your knees, you find some kind of last source of strength and pull on through the day, onto the next, onto the next, and before you know it, you're already running into a free open space without a care in the world.

Nothing in life is permanent.

Everything fades away... time heals all.

I finally got to see my boyfriend, and although it may not be the kind of time I wanted to spend with him (silence while studying), I still got to see him and am thankful. Both of us are going through stressful times, including at work, school and home, and so when he told me he wanted to de-stress, I've jumped at the idea. I'm waiting for his sister to get home so that we can study for our Forensics exam.... speaking of which, she just walked in through the door. So let me let you go... hopefully everything turns out for the better and we'll see happier days soon.

I have faith in God.

He pulled me through one hell of a week last week, by myself, in the midst of a lot of things... I believe this will be a piece of cake for him.

As always, Namaste.

Another Day!

Hey everyone,

Well, it's another day!

A lazy one at that, actually... I went to sleep last night quite early, and woke up this morning quite late (this is an oddity, I was wide awake for a good portion of 20 hours before I got mildly sleepy because of my steroids). Went to class... came home... took a nap... skipped my 2nd and 3rd class... studied and did a bit of homework, and before I knew it, I was tired again. I went to pick up my mom, called my best friend to tell her how odd I was feeling and some other paranoia I was experiencing, got home, and noticed my hands were shaking, so I came into bed and napped... YET AGAIN.

I don't know if you understand this, but this is 2 naps in a day in addition to a good 5 hours of sleep I got last night... not normal.

So now I'm awake, about to do some more homework and get things done, perhaps go visit a friend, and hope that my two naps are sufficient to get me through to the night where I can get a full good amount of sleep before work tomorrow morning.

To be honest, I'm so tired of these pills! I've only got until Saturday or so to go, but I'd really like to chuck them out a window. I have no appetite, couldn't sleep before, am now TOO tired and napping too much, and I just plain feel paranoid.

My boyfriend has been nothing but sweet with me since I had that talk with him on Sunday about how he needs to put me as a priority again, and I'm very thankful, but for some reason, I just can't shake the idea of him being with some other girl, and for some reason or another (once again, always a reason), I feel its the pills. I've been snapping back at just about everyone, including customers at work, and my mind is just racing with thoughts 24/7... it doesn't even center around things like my boyfriend either. Sometimes my mind just won't stop working on a chemistry problem until it gets solved, or i'm thinking about the next exam and mentally reviewing in my head... it's just a non-stop action and it gets so hard to fall asleep...

I'm hoping that when I get off these damn things I'll be back to my normal schedule. I'm asking God for a lot of support and patience for myself and for the people who love me and are in my family, because my goodness, they're gonna need it!!

Any whooo.... I'm going to get my butt up from my bed and go get my life in order, work on some homework, hopefully have a nice conversation with my boyfriend today before we both knock the fuck out... I miss him terribly... :( And the fact that he has to work all this week means I'm only going to have seen him once in about 2 weeks this month... fucking sucks. Looking forward to Boston, but it still doesn't take away the suckyness of not seeing him. I'm hoping that he'll give me Friday night since he hung out with his friends for the better part of a week during spring break... let's see what happens.

I think I deserve it.

But anyway, Namaste!! (which reminds me, I need yoga, lol).

Running around like a chicken with its head cut off...

I'm just thinking about that expression I wrote as my title... would a chicken still be running around if its head had been cut off? I mean, quite possibly it could twitch... late nervous signals that reach the lower half of the body... Nevermind, overthinking this, lol.

Anyway, yes, that's what I feel like today. And I have come to the conclusion that it's my steroid pills that are driving me up a wall. I spent, once again, another insomniac night last night where I studied to keep myself busy and then attempted to go to sleep early but just couldn't do it... I think I must've fallen asleep sometime between 1 and 2 in the morning, and woken up at 6, half an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off for work. I figured since I wasn't going to sleep anymore I'd make good use of my time, got to work early, studied a bit more, and then went to work. It was boring to say the least, and I had some naseua, but I'm feeling good. I got home to study some more after showering and will not be heading off to school for my chemistry pre-lab in biscayne (fml) to then come home for yoga and then study some more.

Great news is that I was freaking out, thinking that my anatomy exam was tomorrow for the heart, and apparently it's not! So I'm saved by the bell... I'm glad I at least got through the notes though... I can now focus on doing my chemistry homework, starting on some work for my 2000 page paper for my online world history class, and whatnot... I feel so productive with these pills, but exhausted. :(

On other news, my boyfriend came to visit me. Another side effect of steroids? I spoke what was on my mind, even though I almost never say what bothers me when we get into fights. Good gracious I just got fed up and told him that he needs to control his anger issues, that there was nothing meant to harm him in my text, and that I was simply looking forward to seeing him. I'm happy that we got to spend some time together and talk, and we booked our hotel for the Boston trip! I can't tell you how excited I am for that trip... ESTATIC!! It's going to be the spring break I never got, lol, so hopefully everything goes according to plan.

I was hoping to spend a really nice weekend with him now that he's back, but apparently his store has gone haywire since he left and some people quit, others got sent to other stores, and now he's short staffed. Because of this, he has to work every day, and basically every day that I was hoping to get to see him will probably not happen.

So is life. :/

I was planning on having a day to play tennis or go to the beach in the morning, then go home, relax, nap, eat, maybe play some pS3, and then go out to have dinner and dance... It would've been a great day, but with his work schedule it doesn't look like it's going to happen. And I have plenty to do on my side of the plate... but I just hope we get to see each other somehow. Life just loves to get in the way for us... :(

Any who, before I turn into some emo depressed person, I shall be on my way. i've got an hour drive and for some reason, people think it is necessary to drive 20 mph on the expressway when it's drizzling... -.- Don't ask me, it's Miami culture. Lived in it for 20 years, haven't ever understood it once.

Namaste!!

Getting to my wits end...

Hey everyone,

So today has been a productive day so far. Last night I didn't get to sleep with my steroids, but managed to complete 1000 word essay, a chemistry pre-lab, and finished my notes to study for my anatomy exam on tuesday. At least insomnia works for something, right? I also cleaned out my closet and got rid of clothes, shoes, bags... a whole mess of things that I just didn't need that I'm sure somebody else in a more needy situation will be able to use. It feels nice to have a clean closet, and I'm oddly not jumping at the fact to get to the mall to buy new clothes either... I think I'm content with where I'm at right now, so... yep :)

On other news, apparently my boyfriend woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I texted him because I saw him on facebook and all that and he hadn't texted/called me that he'd gotten home, so I said "well looks like someone's back in town" and he took it as sarcastic and rude when I meant it playfully. I'm so tired of being taken for someone I'm not. He made it into a huge deal, I decided to be a bigger person and just say "ok baby, let's drop it" and he took it even further and now says that he's upset and doesn't want to talk to me until later. WTF?! I didn't do anything wrong, I was just texting to see if he was home or not and when I was going to get to see him. Seriously, I HATE that he keeps associating me with the person I was before.

Before I met God, I was very... anxious and clingy, to say the least. I was always giving double meaning to my words, always on the prowl for any kind of deceit... this if course, coming from a long history of family problems. But since then, I've changed. i've become such a patient, caring person, and I always try to look at someone else's side before I look at my own... try to acknowledge what the other person is feeling before I look at my own feelings... and yet, somehow, it ALWAYS seems to backfire on me with him. I don't know what to do anymore... I can't do anything more than what I've been doing. He needs to realize that i'm not the same person anymore, and I've been proving it tme and time again, and he's just so stuck in the past that he can't see me for who i am. This is exactly why I said we need to hang out more, that he needs to get to know me again and throw away the old image... I wanted this relationship to stay alive and I wanted to better myself, so I took a month to step back, look at myself, and do everything I needed to do to become a better person. That's half of the work right there.

The other half is allowing that person a chance to see them for who they are now.

And he just doesn't budge on this.

Some days he calls me all happy and texts me constantly and misses me... then there are other days where he's just cranky up the walls and... UGHUHGUHUGHUHGUHGHUHDOFUHGO;RHTO;EIRHGDOFHKGLDKHF;OIHETOIH.

Oh my goodness, that's how I feel. I don't know how much longer I can go on giving him the benefit of the doubt and waiting for him to stop looking in the past and instead to the present before I burst. Because I do have feelings as well. I have feelings that need to be acknowledged. I have feelings that are there, and that they need to be understood, nurtured... I need to be nurtured as a girlfriend, as a friend... I swear, I'll be so upset if he doesn't come see me today. He's been gone over a week while I had my radiation and my grandmother had her surgery and all I know is that he better come see me today.

He better.

-.-

WHY MUST LIFE BE SO COMPLICATED.

Finally got some sun!

Well, the nice part about today is that I finally got to go out and enjoy at least one day of my spring break!

I spent the day pool side with an old boss of mine, her kids, her boyfriend and my old best friend. I was supposed to go to the beach, if you recall, but almost everyone sold out at the last minute and I only had the pool left as an option (my best friend had to work later so we had to be back at a certain time). I got a slight tan... not much because of the tons of sunblock I put on, but at least it's something and I no longer glow in the dark... I merely shine, LOL. Perhaps someone will go with me to the beach tomorrow... I'm hoping!

And tomorrow is also the day my baby comes home!! Hurray! He called me earlier today and told me he'll be home earlier than he expected, so I'll get to see him hopefully :)

The steroids are finally taking effect... talk about no sleep! I got into bed yesterday around 11p, and couldn't go to sleep till like 2am, and kept waking up every hour. It's tiring to say the least, along with the fact that I can't keep anything down, am in constant nausea, and am bruising easily... but at least I haven't encountered any of the horrible side effects like raging hormones and horrible anger... for that, I'm happy, lol.

Any way, I'm getting a bit dizzy. I've been out all day and need some kind of break lol, so I'll stop my blog here and pick up tomorrow, hopefully with a lovely new picture of me and my baby!! :)

Namaste!
God Bless You.

Victory!!

Hey everyone,

Well I'm out of the procedure and have made it through gamma knife radiation without becoming The Hulk! (Female, of course). Everything went well... I got my lovely first dose of anesthesia and knocked the (fuck) out, waking up with the metal placement screwed into my head already and in the MRI. The actual radiation took an hour... The only displeasing thing about it all was the two doses of Decadron that they gave me to control brain swelling... second dose made me pass out and I had to be put on a stretcher, LOL. I'm on the steroids for another 10 days, but at a very low dose, and accompanied by an antacid so it doesn't screw with my stomach. I've been overall sleepy, tired and with some headaches, but I'm good to go! Follow up MRI in 3 months, and I'm home free.

The one thing that surprised me was that this radiation was to control further growth of the tumor, not for removal of it. I guess I can ask my neurosurgeon when I see him again in a month.

As for my grandmother, the biopsy came back clean and she doesn't need chemotherapy! Cancer free, more than likely! We'll know when we finished checking her colon in 6 months, but the surgeon thinks he got it all out. She'll be home tomorrow night, and I'm super happy for that news. Everything has turned for the better with the strength of God and support of some amazing people.

Speaking of people, I got a lovely long call from my boyfriend today, along with an apology for not being here... I had been waiting for that apology for quite some time, and it was so nice to hear it. It was a simply "You mean so much to me, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you". That alone, just turned my day around. I mean, my day consists of some more sleep in a couple of minutes, lol, but yeah... It was nice to talk to him, and talk of our trip to Boston, and going to play tennis together, running a marathon, spending more time together... I feel like maybe he's making a turn around... perhaps a wee and 3 days of being nothing but partying with his boys is finally getting it out of his system, lol! Who knows.... all I know is that I love him with all my heart, and I pray that God will guide us in the right direction and illuminate our relationship so that we may come out on top.

Hope everyone is doing well, I'm going to get some sleep. Anesthesia is still lingering around my body, lol.

Namaste.
God bless you all.

P.S. - Added an old picture of me smiling from high school... hope it shows you how happy I am, lol.

:)

Just wanted to put in a picture to make some positives for the future...

:)

Having Faith

Hey everyone,

Well, it is the day before my radiation treatment... am I anxious as hell or whatt!!! I feel a lot of pressure building up inside, but I'm trying to keep centered and focused on God, who seems to be the only one who can calm me down lately LOL. Things have been a little rough, including some fights and some bickering, but I'm trying to get through it and come out victorious, because I'm a trooper and that's what I do!

I spoke to my boyfriend last night, and again today, which surprised me because it didn't seem like he wanted to talk at all. To be honest, we didn't have much of a conversation last night... I basically rambled on and started crying... I suppose all the weight that I've been carrying since Friday finally let loose. He heard me out, although not without a fight and some angry words because my family and myself included are just not happy with the way things are right now... you know, him being gone and all during such a desperate time.

He called me again today, and has told me he'll call me in a bit since they're going to have lunch, but it was such a conversation that just left me worse off than what I was before. I told him to call me back to talk about positive things... i feel like I cannot make any decisions right now about our relationship because I'm just too blinded and too depressed/confused to make a right decision. I'm not capable of doing something reasonable at the moment... I'm upset, I'm not happy, and I'm pretty sure that I'd make the wrong decision down the road. So hopefully he'll call back and we'll talk about positive things, because I don't know when I'll talk to him again.

On other news, it was my first day back at work in a while, and although tiring, was a sort of relief for me. It was a day away from the hospital and the loneliness of it all, and I got to joke around with my coworkers for a bit, play around, and I got some recruiters for the saturday beach day post-surgery. Umm... not much else to comment on. My grandmother is off the morphine and has been sitting. I just got home from work to clean up the animals, feed them, tidy up and now I'm headed over. I think I'll go running around the lake before I come home. Gotta be up at 4 in the morning, and tomorrow will definitely be a no-exercise day, so I think I'm going to go ahead and do a couple laps around the lake in front of the hospital before I come home. I feel the urge to work out, can't dismiss it!!

Anywho, I'll be going now. Gotta get lots of things down and still have to finish taking a bath.

Namaste, and hope everyone is doing well, and keeping the faith!!

Updating..

Hey everyone,

Well, I know it's been a while since I last wrote that hurried entry on Friday that my grandma was diagnosed with colon cancer. I'm glad to say, that throughout this entire procedure and these very difficult days in which I lost a lot of faith and have been devastated, she has made it out of surgery perfectly well, although in some pain (which is to be expected), and is on her way to a full recovery! The surgeon says he thinks that the tumor had been growing for at least 5 years, and had we waited another week to operate, her intestines would've ruptured from the pressure that they had. So I'm definitely glad we decided to move quickly and operate as soon as possible... now to just wait on the biopsy results to see if she will need chemotherapy or not (hopefully not).

It's been difficult, to say the least... I'm at the hospital every day, taking care of her, knowing that my radiation treatment is just 2 days away (well, 1 really because we're about to end Tuesday...) and an anatomy exam next week, and the boyfriend who isn't here... oh, the boyfriend. What a difficult time i've been having with my parents.

Ok, so here's the deal.

I defend said boyfriend until the very last ounce of me. He left on a spring break trip that I did not agree with, yet let him go, and my family is EXTREMELY upset that not only did he leave when things were getting bad with my grandma AND my procedure was going to be that week, but also because he left me high and dry during spring break to go be with his friends rather than spending it with me. I gave the excuse that he paid all that money and shouldn't lose any of it, and I know my parents don't buy it, but at least it gets them off my back.

As for me....

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, and I don't know if I'm thinking right, but I no longer feel like I am a priority for him. I feel like I am fighting for his time, and although we talked about this before he left and he agreed to give me more time, it upsets me that I should even have to be ASKING for more time. This has been weighing on my mind so much and is probably the reason I'm not getting any sleep, and i intend to talk to him about it today, but it's just so difficult because I don't want him to pull away as a friend, especially when I need him so much right now.

But see, he knows he left me at a very difficult moment, and yet he finds time to go on facebook first before he calls me. I texted him that I needed to speak to him and got no answer. I then saw him on facebook, texted him again, and he answered.... why could he not have answered the first time? Why is it that I have to ask him to call me when the first thing he does every morning should be to call me when he knows I'm at such a desperate time? When he knows that I'm fragile and need all the support I can get? Why is it that he has to fight with me on every little thing when I tell him I don't need to be fighting right now?

I feel depressed. I feel like I don't see a future with him anymore. I'm working so hard at the present that I don't want to focus on the future, but if I even glance up to it, I don't feel like it's there. It's like I have to ask him to work at this relationship. I want him to make an effort like he used to, to come and see me despite the fact that he's dead tired. But he tells me he's too tired to see me, yet goes to the gym.. I mean??? Maybe come and see me instead of going to the gym??? Or how about the fact that he won't give up one weekend for me, to hang out with me, when I only see him once a week? That he values his friends over me?

I personally have come to the realization that you need to have a balance in your life, and your priorities set straight. When I met him, he was such a humble person, always spending time with his family and going out with his family, trying to focus on school and on work, and spending as much time as possible with me. I feel like now his priorities have become work and his friends.... school, yeah right. He skipped out this entire week, ANOTHER reason why I'm upset he left for spring break for such a long time... explain to me the need to leave for over a week? why not leave for 4-5 days, so you can go to school, study, not miss out on class, NOT FAIL THE SEMESTER, and then go on your trip with your friends? Why such a need for a long time?

And why such a need to go out every friday night to drink with your guys? AND THEY'RE ALL SINGLE. It used to be a huge group of friends that he had, and then some of the guys got girlfriends and dissapeared. GRANTED. I don't agree that just because you have a significant other you should dissapear from everyone's life. But you tend to spend more time with them, getting to know the person if you want to be serious, and hanging out with them along with your friends because you want to spend time with them.

He tells me that when we get married we'll have enough time for eachother, but I don't want marriage if it's going to be at such an extreme. He hates extremes. He's always telling me to not get attatched to one thing and keep to it and nothing else, yet he's doing the same thing right here by being with his friends 24/7 and not remembering his family, his girlfriend, and his studies. I know that eventually, it's going to hit him hard, and I don't want that to happen to him. I love him very much.... despite everything I'm feeling (yes, including the need to break up), I love him with all my heart and soul, but maybe he needs to learn his lesson the hard way... Maybe I need to stop protecting him and let the hurricane fly him away... because I just can't anymore.

Sometimes I feel it's the urge to be single, to just go out and party without the need to be telling the girlfriend where he's at 24/7. But to be honest, I don't want to be that girlfriend anymore. I think I deserve more than that. i think I deserve the time of day to be texted goodmorning and to have a goodnight call every night without having to ask for it. I think I deserve a whole weekend once a month without interruption to go out, explore, go to parties together, see new things together, and get to enjoy eachother's company and get to know eachother more. I think I deserve that time after work and school that he devotes to the gym, maybe not every night, but a couple nights, where he comes and tells me about his day while I make him a sandwich in the kitchen and he plays PS3 or watches George Lopez. I think that I deserve to be included in the majority of his plans from now on, and that his friends should be at balance with me, not above, just because we're not married. I don't want to be one of those couples that when they get married, they dissapear from the world and nobody knows about them unless they're having a baby or a financial crisis. That's what leads to divorce, that whole isolation of a marriage. I want to continue my relationship the way it is now and NOT WORRY about marriage, or the future, or babies. I want to enjoy him NOW, when we're both young and able to do a whole bunch of things, like run a marathon together and experience what it's like to cross the finish line together. I want to do things together. I don't want to be called a girlfriend, yet never seen, barely spoken to during the day, and placed at the bottom of the food chain.

I want the man I was dating back. I want the one that used to spend weekdays at home, having dinner with his family. I want the man back that used to take me to the corner to feed the ducks even for 5 minutes just so he could see my face illuminate in the sunset. I want the man that used to take me to the mall, even though we'd been there 20 million times, to walk it together again once more. I want the man that would take me dancing and teach me, a 2 left feet person, to dance bachata and merengue. I want the man who never finished teaching me how to drive stick shift. I want the man that used to lay in bed with me and just cuddle, contentedly, until we fell asleep. I want the man that would call me, even when he was busy and on a trip, while he was driving from one place to another, to see how my day was going and to tell me how beautiful I was and that he loved me.

I miss that man.

I hope that man is still in there.

And I hope that man comes back very soon.

Because this woman, this woman has changed. This woman changed for this man for the better, and changed for herself for the better, and changed for God for the better. This woman is leading a better life with no complaints, with appreciation, with patience, and with hope for the future but a focus on the present: everything that the man she had wanted but did not receive. And now with this woman possess all these things, that man doesn't see them. And this woman misses that man.

:(

I think I'm just depressed and in need of love, and in need of him to come back down, but unfortunately his spring break trip won't be over until Sunday, still many days away and after my procedure is done, and after many hours of tormenting myself, trying to take care of all of my family members....

:(

:(

I just need him.

Change

Just wanted to quickly update that I've cancelled all my spring break plans... my grandmother got diagnosed with cancer yesterday, and I'll be in the hospital for the majority of the time.

Please keep her in your prayers.

Namaste.

Imminent Change

Know that phrase "The only thing in life that is constant is change?".

Well, let's just say lots went through change today. I went from having a flight to NYC at 5:15am on Saturday morning to having my whole weekend open up, and now spending most of the time at the beach more than likely. It sucks, because long story short, I really wanted to go to NYC with my best friend Mel, but I was under the impression when we first made plans that we were going to spend all 4 days roaming the city and having time to see everything. I've only been to New York once, and I went for 2 days in which every activity was stuffed into a small frame of time, and I basically ran around like a chicken with its head cut off. It's not a fun vacation when you're stressed about the time because you need to be running to the next place.

So, I told her that I wasn't going to go if we were going to spend the majority of the time at her aunts house (which I completely understand we should spend some time with her fam... after all, we were going to stay her aunts house), but then it just turned into a family trip basically, at least to me. We were barely going to have time to go to the city, and I just wasn't up for a dissapointing spring break when I have my radiation the thursday I come back, and basically the rest of my spring break is screwed up there. So I cancelled, and she called for me and I only got 94 bucks back, of which I'm going to fight it intensly tomorrow and say that my radiation was thrust upon me and I couldn't pick my date (not exactly a lie, my neurosurgeon didn't give me a choice in the matter actually, lol!).

She's upset, of course. I'm upset too, because I wanted to spend spring break with her. But I'm not going to go to be unhappy, and to have a bitch face on while at her aunt's because that's just disrespectful. I'm trying to save both of ourselves a hard time and some fights, so I went ahead and cancelled. Now I'm most likely looking at the typical Miami spring break... LOTS AND LOTS OF BEACH!!! HURRAY!! Absolutely fine with me... I live in Miami, but for some reason, the beach just isn't in my itinerary often. Guess you never know what you have until its gone!!

Any who, I should probably get to bed.

OH YES. One last thing.

My lovely boyfriend agreed to make more time for me, AND we have officially made our Boston dreams a reality!! :) After I don't know how many months of me asking when we could go, LOL, we finally finalized our plans. I'm going to book everything tomorrow (hopefully get a credit on the same airline that my NYC trip got cancelled on, instead of a full refund). We are going in April, so I'm very excited... it'll be a little break before my final exams and then summer is here!!! :)

Well, I'm off to bed. I have a major chemistry exam in the morning, after an hour lecture of anatomy and 2 hours of snuggling with my honey before he leaves and I don't see him for over a week. :/

Hope you guys are experiencing as much positive energy as I am!

Namaste.

:)

Frustrated

So, I've got one month left of this hell semester in school, and it's finally catching up to me. Waking up every day by 6am with the exception of Saturdays (sundays at 8a), I'm getting tired of this schedule. I don't have time to see my boyfriend, studying takes over my life, working takes up the other half, and sleep is just a small percentage in my week.

I know that NYC is around the corner and that I'll get a real, 4 day break from everything, even if it's in the freezing cold (can't be picky now, can we? Lol), but it just feels so far awayyyy. It's tuesday, I leave saturday morning, and I still feel like I have light years to go. I guess I'm just tired and frustrated of being GOGOGO all the time... What is it bout America that we are so goal oriented? I can't stop to smell the roses if it strikes my fancy because the next person behind me is already shoving me to catch up with the person in front. Sometimes I feel like punching that person behind me and stepping out of the line. -.-

Don't worry, I'm not usually this angry of a person, just seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed today (or 3 months of continuous going is catching up, whichever way you'd like to see it).

My Einstein's bagel and coffee breakfast hit the spot though, and has put me in a slightly better mood. I'm now on my way to go study for my chemistry exam on thursday, and then home to study some more, then POSSIBLY head out to dinner with some coworkers (of which I'll eat very little probably, I haven't been in the mood for food past 5p), and then to sleep to wake up early tomorrow once again, this time for work instead of school.

Any way, my phone has been vibrating. I supposed I should pick it up now, although what I'd really like to do is chuck it at the pavement and disappear to some remote island... maybe some day.

Namaste! (see, I end on a happy note :)

Beginning of another hectic week...

Well, unfortunately it is Monday again.

I woke up thinking it was Friday, got very excited about the ability to sleep in, in 24 hours... and then was rudely awakened when I realized it was Monday. What a bummer :/

I think the only thing that has me going (as my best friend JUST reminded me over text), is the fact that I am leaving for NYC on Saturday, very early in the morning. I'll be gone for 4 days, so I more than likely won't blog, but I'll make sure to take lots of pictures to post them on here when I get back (that is, if I learn how to post them lOL).

I have so many things to do today, and unfortunately, didn't get to spend much time with my boyfriend last week, and this week will be difficult as well, and then we both leave for spring break vacation and I won't see him for almost 2 weeks... sometimes I wonder how we do it. I have times where I get really disappointed that we don't see each other often and complain, and other times I thank God because it gives me enough time to do homework and work and exercise without falling behind, LOL. So I guess it's a balancing act... but i'd really like to spend more time with him. Hopefully our Boston plans come through sometime soon.

Anywho, I should probably finish getting ready for my chemistry class later... I think I'm going to nap before I go for just 20 minutes even. I know it'll give me the boost I need to keep going through the day and finish everything I have to get done, including running / yoga / chemistry review / reading the next chapter for anatomy tomorrow morning at 6am -.-

Oh, the life of a college student is just so exciting!!

Not -.-

Namaste!!

Live Like We're Dying

Hey everyone,

So today I'm a bit on the hurried side, lol. I have lots of homework to complete, not to mention that I am ITCHING to clean my room and car, but don't have the time for it unfortunately :/ I will update you and let you know that my boyfriend did apologize for the way he acted and even brought me roses (first time in a while! I posted a picture of them on here, I hope it came out), which I was very happy about. We had a conversation that ended a little hard, but I think overall we are heading in the right direction once again. He is supporting me 100 percent of the way, even though he will not be here during the procedure, but we can't have everything now, can we? (<-- that is a line that my best friend just ADORES to use on me). Anywho, let me get to it.

However, I did want to leave you guys with the lyrics to a song that I feel very strongly about right now. In case you haven't noticed, I've gotten onto a trend about enjoying your life and living it to the fullest, so I am going to give you the lyrics to a song that I feel is one of the best out there right now and so very true.

Namaste!


Live like we're dying.... Kris Allen


Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up
We're hiding behind skin that's too tough
How come we don't say I love you enough
Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There'll no one on the line, yeah

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

You never know a good thing till it's gone
You never see a crash till it's head on
Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we're dying..

Stressed

Hey everyone,

So I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday because of a very crazy day. I guess I'll start from the beginning and work my way up to this morning (which I really wish I could've slept more, but I guess 11 hours is enough for my body! Lol).

I went to visit my neurosurgeon yesterday for the first time, and he explained to me all of the symptoms, blood work and MRI's joined together: I have the beginning stages of Cushing's disease. What's funny about my case is that I don't have any of the physical symptoms, but instead have all of the chemical symptoms (high cortisol and ACTH levels). My physical symptoms are nowhere near those problems, except for perhaps occasional low blood sugar, but my low blood pressure is the exact opposite of what I should be having (high BP). So he said that this is more than likely, about 99 percent positive, caused by the tumor I have sitting in front of my pituitary gland, and that Gamma Knife Radiation is the best way to go. I asked about Cyber Knife so I wouldn't need crap bolted into my head, but he says that he's done over 60,000 of these procedures, and gamma would be better for me since I'm not a cancer patient, which is what cyber knife is more tailored to.

I feel positive that he will do his best job and snip this in the bud before it gets worse. They'll be watching my hormone levels over the coming months to make sure they are decreasing, as well as a follow up MRI to see if they zapped the little sucker away enough. To say the least, I couldn't show any emotion while my mom was there as the doctor put me in the high priority list and went ahead and scheduled the surgery for me on the 18th, just 2 weeks from now. I was scared by how fast he wanted to do this, but I guess it's important, so I went ahead and signed all the papers, registered with the hospital, and am ready to go. I think the only good thing about this surgery is that I'll be consciously sedated, so nothing will hurt, even when they give me the local anesthetic on my head for the bolts they'll screw in. AND he told me he'll make the incision behind my hairline so I would have any visible scars. Although I'm still nervous about the long term effects (even though he says they're none), he just told me I'll be on steroids for 2-3 days after the procedure to control brain swelling and then I'll be on my merry way!! He promised me I can go to the beach the saturday after the procedure if I wear lots of sunblock and feel good, so I'm hoping for the best.

The only bummer about this whole situation is that my boyfriend will not be here... He planned a spring break trip with his guy friends a while back and already paid it, and I don't expect him to cancel last minute when I'm not going through anything life-threatening like chemo or just got told I have cancer. But at the same time, I wish he would be here. I've called tons of friends to surround myself with the day after the procedure and to keep me busy until that beach saturday rolls around the corner. I'm just hoping everything goes great and that I recover super quickly and can be back at school on monday! :)

Anywho, I told my boyfriend about all of this, of which I had wanted to talk to him since the night before and couldn't get a hold of him. Since I'd had these emotions bottled up inside, I cried to him basically on the phone and was looking for support, and he was very quiet. I don't know if it's because he didn't know how to answer, or what, but it made me upset and I asked if he was okay, and he just burst out in anger about everything and said to stop being negative and all of this stuff.

Now pardon me, but I have every right to feel the way I'm feeling. I can cry as much as I want to, laugh as much as I want to... he's not going through what I'm going through, however minimally invasive this procedure is. I've never had surgery, never been sedated... these are all new, and very scary things for me. I may want to be a nurse and I have no problem watching someone else get cut into, radiated and sedated, but when it comes to myself, it's natural to get anxious. So to say the least, I was very upset when I hung up with him last night and I'm pretty sure he knows I was upset. He called me later at night while I was out with my girlfriends, but I wasn't very responsive and just wasn't up to talking to him. He also texted me that he was home (which he never does on his guys nights) later around 3 in the morning, but I didn't hear my phone and didn't see it until this morning...

I don't know. I feel so stressed about everything: school, work, working out, this procedure... it's like, I don't need another stressor in my life. I'm not asking him to come down from his vacation, I'm asking him to support me.... tell me everything's going to be ok... take me out and make me forget... make jokes about how I'll look like I'm in a Saw contraption... I don't know, these are all things that my friends did that made me forget, and instead he took it to the next level 'cause I vented to him and I just didn't appreciate it at all. I felt very unsupported and just... it wasn't fair.

So, this morning, I don't know what's going to happen for the rest of the day. I'm sure we'll talk, but I don't know how I feel about hanging out with him. And it sucks because he's leaving on Friday and I'm leaving Saturday and we won't see eachother for more than a week, so I want to spend as much time with him as possible, but I also don't want to be told to stop being upset about everything when I have every right to feel the way I do. Of course my mood will get better (I didn't spend me day moping around), but he's the person who I can really be myself around and let go of all my emotions... maybe I need to find someone else who can hold all my emotions... we'll see I guess.

Namaste.

Yoga + a hot bath = the perfect remedy to any situation...

Namaste!

Well, I think I'm only supposed to say that at the end of the yoga practice, but I thought I'd throw out there the new word I learned today! Yoga practice today was to say... the most amazing experience I've ever encountered, close to what ballet makes me feel, but instead of being a restrictive escape, it's a flowing escape. It was my first real yoga class ever, and I found I could do many of the positions easily (i suppose from ballet). My instructor was very surprised, to say the least. I attempted to do the "crane" I believe it's called and succeeded for about 2 seconds before I fell forward, LOL! But overall, it was a great experience, and will definitely be a lovely addition to my stressful week. An hour and a half of relaxation and me time... ahh....

Anyway, on to other things besides my lovely yoga session and hot bath, and soon to be deep slumber...

I'm nervous for tomorrow.

I'm not sure how else to say it but nervousness. I haven't written about it here, but I have a small tumor in my brain next to my pituitary gland... it's also known as a pituitary adenoma. It's been causing (or so my doctors think) the seizures I've had on/off for about 2 years now, as well as low blood pressure and obscenely high hormone levels, of which I should be extremely obese by now if my levels were any indication of my health (and trust me, I'm not... 5'8" and 135 pounds at which i've been working extremely hard to maintain LOL!).

So back on to the topic, I'm going to visit my neurosurgeon tomorrow (or at least, the first neurosurgeon that I will be visiting and hopefully the only one). He's specialized in gamma knife surgery / radiation, where they aim about 120 beams of gamma rays at one localized spot (where the tumor is) and essentially "burn" the tumor right off. You do, however, have to look like Frankenstein for about 6 hours while they bolt some kind of device to your skull to get the right location. That's the part which I don't like, which led me to talk to an old professor of mine who also had seizures and a brain tumor, and where I found out about...

Dun dun dun...

Cyber knife surgery! Same thing as gamma, radiation and all, except I don't need anything bolted to my head! There's a continuous stream of X-Rays being taken of my brain to make sure that the rays are being directed at the right spot over the course of the treatment (usually half an hour to an hour). My tumor is very small, so hopefully it'll only take one dose. From what I know, there's very little side effects: possible hair loss at site of radiation (bummer, i love my hair), brain swelling and seizures (which are the worst and what they look out for immediately after the procedure) and that's about it.

The only thing that scares me about these procedures is that they are relatively new... meaning, long term effects are still not known. I'm scared that perhaps this radiation will burn off the current very small tumor, but cause a larger one somewhere else, and somehow mess with my body more than what it's messed up as of now.

I've only had 2 seizures in the last 8-9 months or so from what was a seizure EVERY month about a year and a half ago, so I have improved. I believe that the time of the worst seizures was when it was growing... in the last 6 months, it's ceased growth. I haven't had many problems except occassional tiredness and fainting, but nothing huge... so I don't exactly want to have the procedure done. I'd rather just have MRI's done every 6 months to check on its progress.

HOWEVER.

If by chance, it grows in those 6 months, drastically, and it's not caught, there's a potential for it to press on my optic nerve which is very close by and I could lose my sight... going blind = not happy Karina, lol!!

So these are all the debates going on in my head... I suppose tomorrow will answer a lot of questions.

On a brighter note though, my dread chemistry exam got moved over from tuesday to thursday (HURRAY!) and I got to spend some time with my amazing boyfriend earlier today, even if it was for just half an hour. We laid in bed together... there's just nothing better than that. It's the perfect place to be.

Well, I'm off to bed. Have a blessed night wherever you are!!

Namaste!

:)

Morning!

Goodmorning everyone!

It is currently 8:07a, and I have been up for 2 hours now, LOL. Glorious life if a college student. I'm enjoying my ritual bagel, egg and cheese with a coffee from Einstein's this morning (the only thing that can wake me up and motivate me to stay at school when class is cancelled to study). I have so much on my plate to do today... anatomy homework, lab assignments that I've created for myself, but most importantly the review for my Chemistry exam next week and my online essay that I'm trying to have written by Friday. I don't want this weekend to be a bore with homework and studying, so I'd rather push myself now on these last 2 days of the week to get everything done and then I just have to review for my things over the weekend.

Anywho, on another note, I just realized that my trip to NYC is around the corner, already next saturday. I was just talking to my best friend, Melanie, how it's so cold down here and I hate waking up for a 6am anatomy class, to which she reminded me that "spring break" in NYC doesn't mean hot, beachy weather, but rather very COLD, very SNOWY, weather, lol. I hope we don't get caught in a snow storm on the way over there, or our flight gets delayed... and hopefully nothing happens or freezes over LOL. I'm looking forward to a relaxing 4 days up there, however cold it may be, though. It'll be nice to wake up at whatever time, go window shopping (because I'm broke), and go to CENTRAL PARK!! I love that place, it's my favorite. I need to take 20million pictures from up there.

Speaking of which, NYC is close to Boston, of which I'm hoping to go the weekend after with my boyfriend. We need to sit down and pick out our hotel and flight soon or else it's going to get veryyyy expensive, lol. He went MIA last night though... probably went to sleep when he got home, so I'll talk to him today about it.

Well, I better get cracking on this chem review and essay. Maybe I'll blog later.. not sure yet. Oh yeah! Forgot to mention that I gave up on keeping ballet as part of my regular routine... it just doesn't mix with my tough semester, and my teacher was more focused on the younger girls (of which I already knew this but decided to go anyway because it's such vigorous training!). So, I'm trying something a little more different, although still slightly the same (in stretchability, if you get where I'm going). I'm going to go try out a yoga class today in the evening (my mom might join me, so this should be interesting). It's cheap, and I took a yoga class at LA Fitness when I used to go.... the most calming experience i've ever had. I think I really enjoy yoga, so this should be fun, and it will still give me a work out as well as a stretch!

Keep safe wherever you are, and BE PRODUCTIVE!! That way your weekend won't be an extended work week, lol. (Don't know if I'm giving myself a pep talk here).

Karina

Moving Forward :)

Hey everyone!

So, I had a nice chat with the one person I was looking to make ammends with (from the last post), and it was short, to the point, and extremely satisfying. I feel like God is really helping me to continue on my path to becoming a better person, and he heard my prayer last night. I'm looking forward to what the future has for me, but for now, the present is demanding a lot of studying, AND I have ballet today, so I need to hop to it! Just wanted to post in about my happiness :)

See ya later alligator.

On forgiveness...

So, I didn't get much done yesterday besides my anatomy pre-lab, and now I will suffer today because of it! Lol. I've got to do a review for my chemistry class of chapters 4 and 5 today or else it will never get done, and i also have to focus in class today.

Yesterday I experienced some difficulties... in fact, the entire day had a lot of weight on my shoulders. For some reason or other, my chipper mood just dampened and everything felt like it was coming down at the same time... not just one thing, but others, you know? When all the problems seem to accumulate in one day? Well, I took a sit down with myself (while I was taking a bath, 'cause there is NOTHING like hot water to relax you. I swear, my house will have a huge jacuzzi tub and that will be my escape every night from the world) and thought about forgiveness and what it means. It seems to me that a lot of people seek to forgive others, but never themselves. There seems to be an area of hypocrisy in the world that we look at others faults and love to blame others, but never look inward at our own problems and faults. There were many things that bothered me yesterday as a person about other people, but I also did not step back to look at myself and my actions, and that's what I did while I sort of meditated and asked for God's forgiveness. So I realized that forgiveness goes both ways... before you can forgive someone else, you must also forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made, or the path you have led yourself down... for not doing something you wish you had, for the regrets in your life.... everything that holds and weighs you down in life should be forgiven from yourself.

After I thought about this and prayed, I also realized that I want many changes in my life, of which I know only time and God will reveal at the right moment. But, in some of the changes that can be seen immediately, I can't expect them out of someone else unless I expect them of myself. How can you ask someone to run a mile for you when you should be the one running it? So I also made a pact with myself and with God to BE the change I want to see in my life. Instead of waiting around and looking to see when things will change, waiting on another person, I will go ahead and take the initiative and hope that they follow also. And if they don't? Well then I'll come to it at the point in time. I can't rush myself to look for the future when I'm still in the present, but this is also a joint effort from both parties. Unless they try as well, noone will succeed.

So I'm making this change for the better for myself, I'm going to take the intiative, and I'm going to learn to forgive and hope that God can help me make better decisions in my life and help those of whom I seek help from.

:)

I'm off to class, got to go dissect dead people, LOL! Have a good day wherever you are!

Beginning..

Hi everyone!

Well, I just wanted to kick start this blog with a welcoming to my life, lol. There's a lot of things that I have going on, of which I may or may not let you in on. I'm still not sure whether I'm going to post this on my facebook or not, to keep it private or to make it public to all of my friends so they can see what's going on in my inner life! SO INTERESTING! Hahahaha just kidding.

Anywho, I'm currently studying at my job. I've got to do a review for a chemistry exam I have next week, a pre-lab for my Anatomy lab tomorrow in which I get to examine my dead patients (it's nice, they don't talk back), and I also need to organize myself a little bit so I can write my essay for my online class before Friday! So, lots to do which I have to get to. Plus, I need to organize the trip to Boston with my baby! So I'll blog sometime either later tonight or tomorrow when I get home from ballet probably.

Have a good night!