As usual...

I come onto my blog to complain. I wonder how some of you might see this blog as you pass by... probably be like "WTF is she thinking? She's paranoid all the time about the smallest things... people are dying out there in war and famine, and she's worried about the next grade she'll get in her chemistry class..."

And above all, I agree. I shouldn't be stressing out so much over petty things in life, but unfortunately in the United States, your education determines who you are... no education means you're crap, and high education means you either had money, or worked your ass to get there... and if you do have high education, you're either a failure at it (bad GPA), or a success (good GPA), and if you're good, then they look at your background and history, and if that's clear....

Get my point? The evaluation goes on.

So I'm doing my best to help at least one life out there by promoting this Haiti event... it shoots off in 2 weeks, so I'm very excited. I don't have exams that week, which I'm so very thankful for, so I'm in the clear... in fact, I'm almost halfway through the semester now, thank the Lord.

But I'm still upset. I'm upset that i try my best and bust my butt studying every day (because not a SINGLE DAY goes by that I don't spend 2 hours doing some kind of assignment or studying), and that I manage to at least ace all of my exams in one of my lecture courses (Biology of course, which I love), and I run to tell my mom...

Lo and behold, she questions me about which exam it was, then asks me if thats the reason I've been staying up late or at the library, and the reason she never sees me, and then asks me what was the average, and then says "Oh, an 88... that's a B... that's good"...

...

That 88 was one of the highest scores in my class... it was on the most difficult chapters, dealing with gene expression, genetics and chromosomal inheritance.... and yet, it's "good". I wish she would, for once, not question me and degrade me, and just saying "CONGRATULATIONS, IM SO PROUD OF YOU!".

And then I still my boyfriend, and he doesn't even bother to say congrats, he says "aww". Who the hell says aww to a good grade?

I'm just so frustrated :( I feel like whatever I do to make others happy about me, like my family, never works out... they always want more, and more, and more...

And then I got a into a fight with my boyfriend about something that still bothers me after 2 years, and I can understand his frustration... because it stems from my insecurity and my untrust-yness. I can understand it. And I also understand myself: I don't trust because my family has continually let me down in a lot of things in my life, plus some other things that have happened... but it just bothers me. So I've been trying to communicate to him, the best way I can, and let it out so I don't get upset about it in the long run, but that never works out, and he just... got extremely mad. Not the way I wanted to start off a week, especially when I hadn't seen him in a week and we had been doing so well... he was sending me goodmorning texts every day, calling me princess, and just overall doing cute things for me...

But nope, either I screw it up as always, or something just wasn't good enough.

So I understand what happened. I apologized. I learned to keep all of my shit to myself, and I'm trying to show him that I'm moving forward from the idiotness of the situation, and I'm going to his house to make dinner tonight, and I just feel like he has completely shut me down. He doesn't text me, it takes ME to contact him first for him to talk to me at all. And if I do text him, sometimes he just doesn't respond, or responds with one word. So I'm going over there tonight to cook dinner, and he just isn't enthusiastic at all.

It's like, on my families side, I try my best to impress and to live up to their expectations, and I get shut down immediately.
Then I try to reconcile differences with my boyfriend, and I'm completely shut down there too.

I don't know what else to do... and I know the advice that everyone will give me: stop doing it for others, start doing it for yourself. And let me tell you something, I made that my motto not too long and it worked for a couple of weeks, but it's just the PERSON THAT I AM. I always want to make someone else happy... I always put the needs of others before myself.. and I always end up dissapointed, because I can never live up to what other people think I should be.

I'm just depressed. I think this semester has made it horrible, and then situations at home, and now my relationship, which has been my strong hold for the last couple of months, is crumbling at the edges and I'm panicking because if I don't have anything left, I don't know what i'm going to do with myself.

I need support in my life. I'm human. I need love, and care, and everything else that makes you happy.

I need God.