Commence Hell :)

Helloooo.

Wow, been a while since I posted.

Wellll... I'm back from my vacation finally (and sadly). I arrived on Thursday (it's currently Sunday) and I couldn't have had a better time... except for maybe some avoided fights and some awkward moments, but what can you do? It's human nature to quarrel. Either way, i really enjoyed my time sipping drinks, getting drunk, eating like a pig at buffets (and like a proper young lady at the gourmet restaurants at night), tanning, the beach and the pool, the amazingly nice people, and the excursions that we went on. I went swimming with the dolphins, something I highly recommend and loved and would do again. I also went horseback riding on the beach, which I've been wanting to do for quite some time... and it was nice because I got to go as fast as I wanted, so I cantered (not full galloped lol) on the beach next to the amazingly blue ocean, and I couldn't have felt more at home. I also went on this weird underwater thing that they put an oxygen mask on your head (sort of) and you go down to the base of the sea (not too far, maybe 20 feet) and walk the ocean floor... that was great. I wish I could do it all the time... I felt like the mermaid I should have been born as, lol.

So I definitely got to enjoy my favorite place in the world... the ocean. And I also got to enjoy time with my boyfriend and his family... we had our differences, but more often than not, were back to being absolutely romantic with each other and like we were first dating again (except we slept in the same bed at night lol!). It really was lovely... and it was even lovelier when he texted me the night we got back and told me he missed me and his bed was empty (go ahead and call me sappy, but it makes me happy to know he misses me just as much as I was missing him).

School is around the corner... I already signed up for my classes, and this semester, as well as next spring, are going to be absolute HELL for me.... but if I bust my ass for the next 9 months, I'm going to enjoy a much smoother last year of college to finish getting my BA in Biology and then see where I go from there. Here's my schedule for Fall:

Monday:
8am to 8pm I'll be in school... yes... a whole 12 FREAKING HOURS. I have max 2 hour breaks inbetween, but usually only an hour break inbetween my lectures and my labs.

Tuesday:
I'll be working anywhere from 4:30am to 3pm, and then I have class from 6:25 to 8:15.

Wends:
11am to 8pm in school... another hectic day, but at least I can sleep a bit more...

Thursday:
Same as Tuesday

Fri:
Same as Wends, except I get out at 5pm instead of 8pm...

And keep in mind that me and my boyfriend are beginning a workout regime, so I'll be hitting the gym from 9pm to 10pm Monday through Thursday nights... so FML. I'll be in shape, but I'm going to be exhausted... especially Monday's since my day begins at 7am (to get up and get ready) and doesn't end until 10pm at the gym... (and even then, I have to come home, shower, and study if possible).

Soo... it might be hectic, but I'm actually looking forward to school. It's not going to be easy... I'll be taking Biology, Chemistry, Physics, and Pre-Calculus... but I am confident that I can pull through. And if I can get excellent grades this semester, I'll be sure to ace Spring semester, since it's the same classes, just the second half (and harder) version of the ones I'll be taking now, with the exception of Pre-Calc, in which I'll be entering Calc 1.

So there's an update of my life... unfortunately I'm still working at the Bux, and will be for a long time until I manage to get my job as a research lab assistant I suppose... but at least it's a job, even if I do have to wake my ass up at 4am to go serve coffee.... stupid corporate America and their early times.

-.-

Well, I'm going to go play with my baby... he's grown so big! 4 months, 40 pounds, and growing!! He's a Great Dane mixed with Lab, so he'll be a big boy!!

:)

Have fun, whatever youre doing in the world.

<3

Just a recap..

Hey everyone,

So today is actually a pretty good day for me. For once, I'm not upset, overly joyous, or morbid. I'm complacent, lol. I just finished putting a load in the drier and in the washing machine, after working in the morning and taking a nice nap. I went yesterday with my boyfriend and his friends to see the final game of the World Cup on South Beach... most interestning experience I've ever had... I enjoy partying, but good gracious, those people were crazy!! i was drenched in beer, sweating like a maniac, hot as hell, almost had a heat stroke, and had to avoid stepping on glass, but like my boyfriend said... it only comes around every 4 years, so I guess I had to enjoy it to the fullest!!

I'm currently waiting on an email from a prospective employer... had my interview last week, think it went great. I'll be a behavioral therapist, like my best friend Mel, if I happen to get the job, which I'm very excited for. It pays almost 2 dollars more than my current job at Sbux, and although I'll be working with autistic kids, it'll be so much better than working for adults who can't open their own packets of splenda. At my current job, there's an amazing amount of laziness. If I happen to get this job (being positive!), there will be (sometimes) willingness to learn, but at least I know it's kids and not adults... they don't always make their own decisions for the best, especially when they're kids. But from the stories I've heard, autistic kids are very eager to please, and just have so much energy... it will be refreshing to work for something new, for higher pay, and for a much more rewarding job than "10 SPLENDA LATTE, COMING RIGHT UP!'

Don't get my wrong, I love the people I work with at my job. My co-workers are amazing, and like a second family. My boss is like a second dad to me, I can tell him all my problems and he'll give me advice without speaking about it to anybody else... very confidential. And the rest of my co-workers are pretty good friends, one even pretty close that I usually go to when I'm having deep relationship problems... one who has taught me to have more faith in God, even in the good times... So I'm thankful for them. But the people I work FOR... not so much. It just amazes me the amount of laziness that adults exhibit, especially here in Miami. They want their sugar put in for them, and their latte's and frappucino's done in a matter of seconds when I've got a line of about 20 drinks and I'm spitting them out as fast as I can without ruining the quality of the drink. So... it's an exhausting job, albeit, sometimes rewarding. I do have a few special customers I see on a daily basis, who are just so sweet, and I go out of my way to have their drink ready for them before they get to the register, even if there are people in front, just because of how nice and exceptionally well mannered they are with me. It's nice to be treated like a person and not a slave, just because you're behind a bar and wearing a green apron.

Anywho, my parents are away in Tenn. and they took my beloved puppy with them... Max is growing so big, and his ears are standing already. The shelter made a huge mistake IDing him... he is most definitely about 75% mixture of Great Dane... we've had him for barely 2 months and he's grown like... on an exponential scale. It amazes me how quickly a puppy becomes an adult dog... I wonder if this is how I'll feel about my kids. I'm going to try my best to be a stay at home mom for the first 6 months at least... but yes, I miss my Maxy Waxy. And his daddy (my boyfriend) misses him terribly too. I used to take him at least twice a week to my boyfriend's house, and we both miss him very much. I can't wait till he gets back... in 3 more wretched weeks :(

On a brighter note, I leave on my vacation next wends!! Going to an all inclusive resort in Punta Cana... drinking, vegetating, tanning, and sex here and there :p Hahaha.. I know, you didn't have to know the last part. But anyway, I'm excited to go. I need to go get another bathing suit sometime this week, as well as a couple more dresses because the restaurants at night are fancy and require dresses, lol. I'm very very very excited.

:)

Well, gotta go check on my clothes. I shall write to you soon.

Take care.

Been a While

Ahh... it's been some time since I've written on here. Not like anybody cares, I don't have any followers... I think I have 1, maybe? And they probably subscribe to plenty as it is already, so, as always, this post is more for me than for anyone else.

How can I explain that I am tired of the same crap happening in my life?

I'm tired of being lied to, I'm tired of being taken for granted, I'm tired of being disrespected, I'm tired of my job...

I need such a huge change of scenery... sometimes I wonder if transferring far away to another school is a good idea, despite the debt I'll get in. I know that it's only running away from my problems, but really... I think it would be a relief for me. I think maybe I'll do a foreign exchange program, where I can get away for a semester and not have to deal with the lies, deceit and just plain bullshit, and I'll come back much revived, and maybe even inspired to move on with my life?

Honestly, I don't know how I swallow so much bullshit. I sit back and think to myself that sometimes I'm a bit too soft.... I get angry, then I think of God's forgiveness, try to implement that in myself and to be a better person, and to either forgive the opposing party, or, if it's the case that I'm correct and they're wrong (but they won't budge) to set my pride aside and to apologize for something that I haven't even done.

I really wish sometimes that people would put down THEIR pride and apologize for the mistakes that they have made. I'm so tired of putting myself under others, that I think years of repressed anger are starting to come out, and it's not pretty. Whether it's finally snapping back at my mother after she's nagged me for the hundredth time about something and setting her in her place (and OF COURSE, later apologizing for it), or snapping at my boyfriend for anger management that he can't seem to hold down, or customers at my job for being such idiots that they can't open their own damn packets of splenda (I'm not your bitch, just serving your coffee),....

I think i need my vacation.

Asap.

Pronto.

NOW.

Lonely

Ok, so this blog today is more about a lot of questions than wanting to vent anything.. I feel lost and confused and lonely, and yet, as lonely as I feel, I just want to be alone and I don't know why. I'm gonna meet up with my friend and have a conversation with him tonight about everything that's going on, but as usual, I just feeling like crying and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I'm moving from one stage into another in my life, or if I'm just confused where I'm standing and need a little shove in the right direction. I know that the decisions I've made have led me to where I am right now, and that God has no fault in this at all, because He is a God of free will, but at the same time, I can't help but want a little guidance right now, especially in my... well, nowhere in general, just life itself.

I sort of broke up with my boyfriend, once again, as always happens, but this time, I don't find myself running back to him constantly to ask him why, and to get back with me, and for us to just be happy again. That I want to be happy with him? Yes, with all my heart. With all my heart, i wish we could go back to those weeks right before, during and after Boston, where he was the biggest sweetheart of life and cherished and adored me every second of every day. He constantly texted me that he loved me, and he constantly reminded me that I was the girl of his dreams, and I was so utterly happy where I was... in a great relationship, happy to just exist and happy to just be with him. And then everything comes crumbling down because the past can never stay where it is meant to stay... the past. He was so happy with me, and went from happy to completely turned off the next day, and although we've seen each other and things have gotten better, I can't help but miss that perfect time we were having together and wonder if it's going to come back. This has happened to me so many times already in the course of our relationship, and all because I could not be patient at the beginning, but for everything that I have done to reconcile what has happened and what I have done in the past, nothing ever makes it right. And I suppose that is how it should be... two wrongs don't make a right, and neither does a right make a wrong, right. But I don't believe that I should pay for my mistakes endlessly. I feel that when you try and try at something, there should be a point where you succeed, whether you attain your goal or not, and no matter what I do, I feel like a failure, and it hurts and it sucks and I wish it would just go away.

And then, it doesn't help that it seems like the world is against me lately. My parents... well, my dad doesn't say much, but my mom nags me endlessly about why he hasn't come over, and why he's doing this again, and why aren't we a normal couple, and why aren't we more like a serious couple who spend time with their family, and it frustrates me SO MUCH, because before my family comes in the picture, it's about the RELATIONSHIP. First and foremost, it is about me and him, and it just doesn't seem to happen like that. I wish I could move out so my mother wouldn't know what's going on, and I wouldn't be asked every weekend why my boyfriend isn't coming over and having to lie to say that he's working (although most of the time he is).

I just miss the normalcy that was finally developing after so much time of being awkward.

And I wonder sometimes, that if we are bound to make mistakes, are we forever bound to the reprimands that come from them? Or is there a chance at being in the right, of learning your lesson and continuing with your life and being happier than before, when the mistake is hardly a crime at all?

Just food for thought.

:(

Going Crazy

Ahhhh.

It's been a while since I've blogged, and I think that it's time that I should regularly start doing so again.

I'm so frustrated with life. I don't know in which direction I'm headed anymore, and could honestly knock on life's door and not know that what's on the other side is meant for me.

I know that I'm a dramatic person, and in retrospect of my blogs and of my actions these past couple of years, I've grown a lot. But I'm never going to be perfect, and this I've come to accept. Instead, I work towards the next attainable goal and am happy when I reach it and set my next goal that is not far off. I have belief in the things in which I wish to persevere, yet other people do not. And it makes me so mad that the world has turned some people's hearts into stone.

Me and my boyfriend may have a lot of problems, and we may have broken up for the moment, but we did it for the best intentions and to better ourselves in the long run because we understand that our relationship needs time apart, that we rushed into things a little too fast, and that we are unhappy where we are. I choose to tell a very select amount of people about these things, and some I don't, and it just frustrates me so much that some people are so negative about things.

"But you know, everything isn't always a fairytale. It's not going to end up the way you thought it would.... You guys fight too much, it's not meant to be..." and all this crap... how do YOU know? Are you in my shoes? Are you physically living my life? Are you there when we're in eachother's arms and confessing that we love eachother despite the amount of hard headedness we might have, and the differences we may have? Are you there when we fight and then laugh about the stupidity of our fight and continue on with our day? Were you there when we took that amazing trip to Boston and had such a great time? I DON'T THINK SO. THEN SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

I refuse to ask for advice anymore, except from God. And I know that he may not answer me right away, and usually answers in riddles rather that in straight words or actions, but at least I can count on him being supportive of everything that goes on in my life.

I think I'm done.

I'm tired.

I want things back the way they used to be, yet I've accepted that they won't be that way for a while, and I'm upset about it and finally letting tears go over the matter, even though it's been going on for a month. But I know that he is there for me, nonetheless, calling me and texting me every day to see how I am doing and what's going on.

I wish I could keep my weaknesses to myself, but sometimes I feel like I'm alone, and it just fucking sucks.

:(

This weather is making me depressed. I think I'll blog tomorrow, and hopefully on a lighter note.

<3

Learning Again

Ahh...

I haven't blogged in forever.

I'm still slightly upset about many things going on in my life, and a lot of questions to be answered, but I feel like it's time to stop looking for answers and just let time dictate where things will go. In fact, I've done this before but I had forgotten my lesson and now I am re-learning it all over again... I think that sometimes people DO need to re-learn lessons, because time, although helpful in promoting something beautiful, can also make you forget about important things.

Soooo

My verdict from all this is that I will let time go by and just enjoy it for now. If things work out, they work out. If they don't, then it wasn't meant to be. But I feel in my heart of hearts that they are, and if they are, they will come to be. I feel like I'm always racing towards an answer, always searching, never resting. Perhaps it is time to stop worrying so much and enjoy what I have, because you never know when it will be gone. It's time to enjoy the questions being asked instead of running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to find the answer, and why the answer is what it is, and why it can't be something else... So many endless possibilities, I think that's what I drive myself crazy over.

All of this came about from a quote of course, and I'd like to share it with you guys as my parting thought. Even though I will choose to have hope and will probably still be anxious about many things going on, I will also take a step back, breathe, and wait. Patience is a virtue, right?


"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. An the point is to live everything. Live the questions" - Rainer Maria Rike

-.-

Life is crap right now.

That's all I have to say.

Except for my little Max <3

I'll blog at a better time when I'm not pessimistic.