Lonely

Ok, so this blog today is more about a lot of questions than wanting to vent anything.. I feel lost and confused and lonely, and yet, as lonely as I feel, I just want to be alone and I don't know why. I'm gonna meet up with my friend and have a conversation with him tonight about everything that's going on, but as usual, I just feeling like crying and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I'm moving from one stage into another in my life, or if I'm just confused where I'm standing and need a little shove in the right direction. I know that the decisions I've made have led me to where I am right now, and that God has no fault in this at all, because He is a God of free will, but at the same time, I can't help but want a little guidance right now, especially in my... well, nowhere in general, just life itself.

I sort of broke up with my boyfriend, once again, as always happens, but this time, I don't find myself running back to him constantly to ask him why, and to get back with me, and for us to just be happy again. That I want to be happy with him? Yes, with all my heart. With all my heart, i wish we could go back to those weeks right before, during and after Boston, where he was the biggest sweetheart of life and cherished and adored me every second of every day. He constantly texted me that he loved me, and he constantly reminded me that I was the girl of his dreams, and I was so utterly happy where I was... in a great relationship, happy to just exist and happy to just be with him. And then everything comes crumbling down because the past can never stay where it is meant to stay... the past. He was so happy with me, and went from happy to completely turned off the next day, and although we've seen each other and things have gotten better, I can't help but miss that perfect time we were having together and wonder if it's going to come back. This has happened to me so many times already in the course of our relationship, and all because I could not be patient at the beginning, but for everything that I have done to reconcile what has happened and what I have done in the past, nothing ever makes it right. And I suppose that is how it should be... two wrongs don't make a right, and neither does a right make a wrong, right. But I don't believe that I should pay for my mistakes endlessly. I feel that when you try and try at something, there should be a point where you succeed, whether you attain your goal or not, and no matter what I do, I feel like a failure, and it hurts and it sucks and I wish it would just go away.

And then, it doesn't help that it seems like the world is against me lately. My parents... well, my dad doesn't say much, but my mom nags me endlessly about why he hasn't come over, and why he's doing this again, and why aren't we a normal couple, and why aren't we more like a serious couple who spend time with their family, and it frustrates me SO MUCH, because before my family comes in the picture, it's about the RELATIONSHIP. First and foremost, it is about me and him, and it just doesn't seem to happen like that. I wish I could move out so my mother wouldn't know what's going on, and I wouldn't be asked every weekend why my boyfriend isn't coming over and having to lie to say that he's working (although most of the time he is).

I just miss the normalcy that was finally developing after so much time of being awkward.

And I wonder sometimes, that if we are bound to make mistakes, are we forever bound to the reprimands that come from them? Or is there a chance at being in the right, of learning your lesson and continuing with your life and being happier than before, when the mistake is hardly a crime at all?

Just food for thought.

:(